6 November 2009 § Leave a comment
“i don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time.”
— wendy o. williams, punk rock performer, d. April 6, 1998
27 january 2002. i think i got the call the next day, or maybe the day after. your dad called mine and i didn’t think anything of it until my dad walked back into the room and said, “that was terry. devon killed himself”.
it took me months to get back to normal. i still think of the last time i saw you smiling, laughing and saying something that made me realise that the two of us–two cousins who fought like cats and dogs, beat the shit out of each other, and took delight in scaring the crap out of each other–were more alike than i had remembered. we both had that look, the one that made strangers know we weren’t just little redneck kids from the valley. we were more. and grandma and grandpa cole, they always called us the smart ones. we were. compared to the other kids, we were nothing like the other coles.
but we are. we both have it, that aching and neverending pain, that inexplicably dull and murderous emptiness. our big eyes tired and red from the crying you can’t stop, those parents who don’t care, completely incapable of understanding. i know what it’s like. i know how you felt. i wish you had called me, because out of anyone on this whole fucking planet, devon, i would’ve understood.
you should be done with college by now, or like me, a well-meaning but casual slacker. they put a university in the city where you died, maybe you would have gone there, graduating last spring with the first lady in attendance. or maybe you’d live in san jose and be in the midst of your 8- to 10-year sentence at sjsu.
but you’re not. today is your birthday, little cuz. i never forget. i should be taking you out for drinks tonight, celebrating and laughing instead of remembering and crying. i hate you for doing this to me, but i don’t blame you. i know how it feels. so many times i think of it myself, and then i recall how unreal it felt to be staring down at you in your casket, your face painted with fake colour. of everyone there, friends and family and strangers, i know i was the only one who pulled down the collar of your shirt to check for ligature marks (you would’ve done the same to me). i still laugh at the guy who fainted during your funeral–of course an emt would faint at another emt’s funeral–and cringe when i think of the music they played. sorry about that.
i don’t know if you’re one of them now, the collective of coles that no one talks about in detail because they don’t know how to talk about suicide without emotion. why don’t they just realise that’s our preferred way of leaving ? we are nothing if not stubborn and independent, and nothing says that quite like a suicide. i still talk about you. i don’t want to make you into one of those guys. that’s why i remember, remember, every 6th of november. your kitten that was so tiny, the day you kissed me and i punched you, the ninja turtles that hurt so bad when you threw them at me, horseback riding and christmas morning at the ranch, mcdonalds fries and campfires, and when we laughed so hard when your brother got stung by a bee that we pissed ourselves. oh boy.
i miss you, devon. happy birthday.
3 October 2009 § Leave a comment
in case you missed it, today i had a very important message for someone:
Я НЕНАВИЖУ ТВОЯЮ ЖЕНУ !!!! МОЙ ЛЮБИМЫЙ ДРУГ АЛЕКСЕЙ СЕМЕНОВ–Я НЕНАВИЖУ ТВОЯЮ ЖЕНУ !!!! ОНА СУКА !!!!!!!
in case you have NO idea what i’m saying (perhaps you can’t read russian ?) my message was this:
i hate your wife. my dear friend alexei semenov, i hate your wife. she’s a bitch. (it sounds a lot meaner in russian).
and why do i hate mrs. semenova ? well because she’s an idiot whore who took away one of my two favourite defencemen in the whole damn NHL. he played for my sharkies for the last two seasons, and he was fun to watch. fifty seven penalty minutes last year in under 30 games. he speaks my “moon language”, so i like to yell at him and nabby during games, or give them imaginary pep talks before big games i cannot attend. i sang the krokodil gena song to him on his birthday (well, in my car by myself). alexei is like an even taller russian version of my very tall non-russian friend morgan. and when i met him at a charity event for the sharks, these annoying girls were squealing at him and asking for autographs and pictures. i calmly said, “Извените, мой друг, здраствуе–фото ?” and he stopped and smiled and took a picture with me.
but after our terrible showing in the playoffs, semy’s name was removed from our roster. he wasn’t claimed by anyone all summer until a few weeks ago when he signed with the rangers, maybe my…third least favourite of the original six… oh who am i kidding, i only like the leafs and habs and sharks). but at least he was on a team, would be on my fantasy teams, and i could still see him on center ice. but then the bitch took him.
and dammit, he was one of MINE ! patty, joe, pavs, whatever. semy and seto were MINE ! i have doubts about nabby but he’s my домвек (a word i made up using the words home and boy because russian doesn’t have the term “homeboy”). goc was almost one of mine, but he was Немец, boo hoo. and it’s NOT a good time to take my boys away. the season started yesterday, i’m on medication ! jeez !
so now my mission is to find a contact with semy and at least let him know there is one little cheburashka out there who is really gonna miss her big d-man друг. пока, алюшенка. 😦
18 September 2009 § 3 Comments
last year i supported several political movements: i believe in change and hope; that homosexual couples deserve the right to marry the ones they love; that former comedians can actually make decent senators; that crazy dudes who crash planes and women who shoot moose and have no concept of foreign policy don’t belong in the white house, and lastly, that if you and your neighbors are rich enough to afford a Tesla, you better give money to your local library. although i don’t live in the jurisdiction, i emailed everyone i knew in palo alto and urged them to vote yes on measure M for their libraries.
thankfully, measure M passed and granted funding for the palo alto libraries to update their aging and overused buildings. that measure M passed is in itself a huge victory in a time when entire library systems face closure. any library supporter should find joy in this victory, as i did. however, i was unaware that the planning commission would say such a thing as this in regards to the redesign of the downtown library branch :
“The program room is such an integral part of the new design,” Commissioner Leo Hochberg said. “Sacrificing that for dead trees — it doesn’t make sense.”
what library commisioner leo hochberg is alluding to is the reallocation of space that is currently available in the main library. while the library was eager to raise the height of shelves to over 80 inches (and even the current 56-inch shelves are often cumbersome to shorter or wheelchair-bound patrons), they refused to budge on the size of the community meeting room.
but let me get this straight: you are on a library commission and you just referred to books–the mainstay of your library’s collection–as “dead trees” ? not kosher. while i do agree that library meeting rooms are vital assets to the community and the organisation as a whole, i feel that referring to your holdings in such a derogatory manner exemplifies the nasty sentiment that libraries are becoming old hat to most people, just a big building full of books and curt old ladies. as an ambassador to the community, you, mr. hochberg, are doing a lousy job of portraying the library in a positive light.
no mention is made in the above article about increasing the number computer kiosks, electronic resources, or up-and-coming technologies yet to be adopted by the library. mr hochberg’s statement makes it seem like the library’s purpose is to house a community meeting place and some silly old books. those “dead trees” are still important, as are the community rooms, online databases, audiobooks, outreach programs, special collections and the reference staff. the library is way more than just books.
in my opinion, the best thing a library can do to enhance it’s environment, bring people in, and serve information to the masses is to have good PR. get word out about your services, your assets, and why people need the library in their lives.
bad move, leo hochberg. you and the palo alto daily news can expect a letter from me.
2 August 2009 § Leave a comment
i love* reading about how poignant and intelligent people are via reading their blogs. they are the most observant people, drawing connections between the mundane and the profound. god, and their problems ? i love that too, love reading about things i can’t do anything to fix.
seriously, blogs are annoying. this better not become one of those.
*that’s some of that C-family sincerity for which we’re so well known.
22 July 2009 § 3 Comments
i hate bike party.
it’s this bike thing they do once a month, the third friday, where a bunch of hipsters all get together and prove that san jose has just enough culture to have a thriving subculture as well. it’s strange.
now don’t get me wrong–i’m all for bikes: healthy, good for the environment, anyone with two legs can do it. i’m all about subcultures, odd as they may be (except you, LARPers). but i’m not into people who ride unsafely, endanger others, leave rubbish where they ride, and make a lot of noise.
i live about six miles from where the bike party meets (apparently this location is moving, crossing my fingers that it’s in south san jose and out of my way). on the night that there is a ride, crowds of bike hipsters clog the streets in either direction, even ride down my street hootin’ and hollerin’ their little hipster heads off. they wear black, usually without reflectors on their persons or their bikes, and NEVER with a helmet. do i need to introduce them to the pictures of dead people in bike accidents on documentingreality.com ?
but this month is what really did it in for the bike partiers. now they are REALLY on my shit list. i have seen pictures and heard reports of people biking and drinking. fucking. stupid. immediately i looked up the california state laws regarding drinking and biking, only to find (much to my chagrin) that a marginal fine of $250 is assessed to the offending party and nothing else. as the bicycle is not considered a vehicle (unless it’s got an engine, which makes it a moped), the DMV does not get involved and neither is the offense considered a DUI.
supposedly police officers ride along with the bike party, and i guess they make way for the bikes when needed. i condemn them and the organisers of this “party” for not strictly enforcing safe riding rules such as um, not drinking and biking. perhaps they could have a special bike party license, allowing a rider admission to the party only when they show their bike has the proper reflectors and that they are sober.
until then, i hate bike party.