6 november 2009

“i don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time.”
– wendy o. williams, punk rock performer, d. April 6, 1998

27 january 2002. i think i got the call the next day, or maybe the day after. your dad called mine and i didn’t think anything of it until my dad walked back into the room and said, “that was terry. devon killed himself”.

it took me months to get back to normal. i still think of the last time i saw you smiling, laughing and saying something that made me realise that the two of us–two cousins who fought like cats and dogs, beat the shit out of each other, and took delight in scaring the crap out of each other–were more alike than i had remembered. we both had that look, the one that made strangers know we weren’t just little redneck kids from the valley. we were more. and grandma and grandpa cole, they always called us the smart ones. we were. compared to the other kids, we were nothing like the other coles.

but we are. we both have it, that aching and neverending pain, that inexplicably dull and murderous emptiness. our big eyes tired and red from the crying you can’t stop, those parents who don’t care, completely incapable of understanding. i know what it’s like. i know how you felt. i wish you had called me, because out of anyone on this whole fucking planet, devon, i would’ve understood.

you should be done with college by now, or like me, a well-meaning but casual slacker. they put a university in the city where you died, maybe you would have gone there, graduating last spring with the first lady in attendance. or maybe you’d live in san jose and be in the midst of your 8- to 10-year sentence at sjsu.

but you’re not. today is your birthday, little cuz. i never forget. i should be taking you out for drinks tonight, celebrating and laughing instead of remembering and crying. i hate you for doing this to me, but i don’t blame you. i know how it feels. so many times i think of it myself, and then i recall how unreal it felt to be staring down at you in your casket, your face painted with fake colour. of everyone there, friends and family and strangers, i know i was the only one who pulled down the collar of your shirt to check for ligature marks (you would’ve done the same to me). i still laugh at the guy who fainted during your funeral–of course an emt would faint at another emt’s funeral–and cringe when i think of the music they played. sorry about that.

i don’t know if you’re one of them now, the collective of coles that no one talks about in detail because they don’t know how to talk about suicide without emotion. why don’t they just realise that’s our preferred way of leaving ? we are nothing if not stubborn and independent, and nothing says that quite like a suicide. i still talk about you. i don’t want to make you into one of those guys. that’s why i remember, remember, every 6th of november. your kitten that was so tiny, the day you kissed me and i punched you, the ninja turtles that hurt so bad when you threw them at me, horseback riding and christmas morning at the ranch, mcdonalds fries and campfires, and when we laughed so hard when your brother got stung by a bee that we pissed ourselves. oh boy.

i miss you, devon. happy birthday.

meanwhile, in the nhl…

i’m making two predictions for the year:
1) devin setoguchi will have his first 50-goal year. in just seven games, he’s got four powerplay goals and that ties him for the league lead in PPGs. he’s also currently 16th in points and fourth in shots on goal.
2) the leafs, as a whole, will make fewer goals than devin setoguchi will on his own. with eight games played, the leafs are playing like they’re trying to get the entire team sent down to the AHL, and have just one point. just one. one single point, and they only got it because they managed to stave off a beating until losing in a shootout to carolina.

update: seto is DTD with a LBI. (that’s hockey nerd code for he got hurt and isn’t serious, but who knows when he’ll be back). my fantasy team, as a result, is suffering.

in idiot russia, wife controls you !

in case you missed it, today i had a very important message for someone:

Я НЕНАВИЖУ ТВОЯЮ ЖЕНУ !!!! МОЙ ЛЮБИМЫЙ ДРУГ АЛЕКСЕЙ СЕМЕНОВ–Я НЕНАВИЖУ ТВОЯЮ ЖЕНУ !!!! ОНА СУКА !!!!!!!

in case you have NO idea what i’m saying (perhaps you can’t read russian ?) my message was this:

i hate your wife. my dear friend alexei semenov, i hate your wife. she’s a bitch. (it sounds a lot meaner in russian).

and why do i hate mrs. semenova ? well because she’s an idiot whore who took away one of my two favourite defencemen in the whole damn NHL. he played for my sharkies for the last two seasons, and he was fun to watch. fifty seven penalty minutes last year in under 30 games. he speaks my “moon language”, so i like to yell at him and nabby during games, or give them imaginary pep talks before big games i cannot attend. i sang the krokodil gena song to him on his birthday (well, in my car by myself). alexei is like an even taller russian version of my very tall non-russian friend morgan. and when i met him at a charity event for the sharks, these annoying girls were squealing at him and asking for autographs and pictures. i calmly said, “Извените, мой друг, здраствуе–фото ?” and he stopped and smiled and took a picture with me.

but after our terrible showing in the playoffs, semy’s name was removed from our roster. he wasn’t claimed by anyone all summer until a few weeks ago when he signed with the rangers, maybe my…third least favourite of the original six… oh who am i kidding, i only like the leafs and habs and sharks). but at least he was on a team, would be on my fantasy teams, and i could still see him on center ice. but then the bitch took him.

and dammit, he was one of MINE ! patty, joe, pavs, whatever. semy and seto were MINE ! i have doubts about nabby but he’s my домвек (a word i made up using the words home and boy because russian doesn’t have the term “homeboy”). goc was almost one of mine, but he was Немец, boo hoo. and it’s NOT a good time to take my boys away. the season started yesterday, i’m on medication ! jeez !

so now my mission is to find a contact with semy and at least let him know there is one little cheburashka out there who is really gonna miss her big d-man друг. пока, алюшенка.

epic fail in library public relations

last year i supported several political movements: i believe in change and hope; that homosexual couples deserve the right to marry the ones they love; that former comedians can actually make decent senators; that crazy dudes who crash planes and women who shoot moose and have no concept of foreign policy don’t belong in the white house, and lastly, that if you and your neighbors are rich enough to afford a Tesla, you better give money to your local library. although i don’t live in the jurisdiction, i emailed everyone i knew in palo alto and urged them to vote yes on measure M for their libraries.

thankfully, measure M passed and granted funding for the palo alto libraries to update their aging and overused buildings. that measure M passed is in itself a huge victory in a time when entire library systems face closure. any library supporter should find joy in this victory, as i did. however, i was unaware that the planning commission would say such a thing as this in regards to the redesign of the downtown library branch :

“The program room is such an integral part of the new design,” Commissioner Leo Hochberg said. “Sacrificing that for dead trees — it doesn’t make sense.”

what library commisioner leo hochberg is alluding to is the reallocation of space that is currently available in the main library. while the library was eager to raise the height of shelves to over 80 inches (and even the current 56-inch shelves are often cumbersome to shorter or wheelchair-bound patrons), they refused to budge on the size of the community meeting room.

but let me get this straight: you are on a library commission and you just referred to books–the mainstay of your library’s collection–as “dead trees” ? not kosher. while i do agree that library meeting rooms are vital assets to the community and the organisation as a whole, i feel that referring to your holdings in such a derogatory manner exemplifies the nasty sentiment that libraries are becoming old hat to most people, just a big building full of books and curt old ladies. as an ambassador to the community, you, mr. hochberg, are doing a lousy job of portraying the library in a positive light.

no mention is made in the above article about increasing the number computer kiosks, electronic resources, or up-and-coming technologies yet to be adopted by the library. mr hochberg’s statement makes it seem like the library’s purpose is to house a community meeting place and some silly old books. those “dead trees” are still important, as are the community rooms, online databases, audiobooks, outreach programs, special collections and the reference staff. the library is way more than just books.

in my opinion, the best thing a library can do to enhance it’s environment, bring people in, and serve information to the masses is to have good PR. get word out about your services, your assets, and why people need the library in their lives.

bad move, leo hochberg. you and the palo alto daily news can expect a letter from me.

100ws: two

Third blind date this month. How many more of these do I have to go on?

“So Kim, like I was saying…about change. Change is pointless, innovation is good, progress and growth are good, but change is just… pointless“.

What’s this guy’s name ? All these men have the same boring names: James, Matt, Mike. How am I supposed to keep them straight, let alone engage in their lame conversations?

James or Matt or Mike, whatever he’s called, takes a sip of his latte and some foam sticks in his ironic mustache. He doesn’t notice.

Ugh. I’d rather be single.

quid pro quo

i don’t want to go to work today because i might get brainwashed.

edit: looks like i don’t have to ! i have jury duty !

prelude to diet

i don’t worry much about my weight. i think it’s silly to stress about stuff like that, and unless it’s a health issue, it’s not an issue to me at all. i lost 30 pounds about a year and a half ago, and that was a health issue. i found a good, healthy weight for a 5 foot 7 inch tall woman with a big butt, and i’ve stuck right around that weight for some time.

this summer, i didn’t do much. i hurt my knee and couldn’t work out at all, i was too scared to go outside in the uncomfortable summer heat, and i just stayed inside and ate a lot of food. bleh. so now it’s time to change my diet, and since my knee is better, my activities as well.

a friend of mine wants to lose weight too, so we’re going head-to-head on weight loss. but since he can afford a trainer and all i’ve got is personal motivation, we’re going to see if i can lose 10 pounds before he can lose 15. i love a little healthy competition !

so in a last hurrah before my impending diet and workout doom, i decided to give in to the strange kfc craving i’ve been having for the last two months. i don’t remember ever actually eating the chicken from kfc, but in my head it was a crispy and wonderful chunk of heaven. no idea where i got this concept, or why: i don’t even like chicken. but i had to have some !

so today, with my friend waffles in tow, i met the “wonder” that is kfc and their popcorn chicken.

don’t i look EXCITED ?! in fact, i was sort of appalled by the trashiness of my local chicken joint. and i’m not really sure where i stand on this chicken issue. i knew it was just about THE most unhealthy meal i could’ve had–popcorn chicken, a viscous strawberry soda, biscuit, corn, and “colonel’s buttery spread”. i am terrified of looking up the nutritional content–i highly doubt there are any actual nutrients in that meal. but the popcorn… so crispy. so fried. so crunchy and it was actually good. and i’ll probably never eat it again.

tomorrow ? diet on. gym in the morning. and of course, unquenchable thirst and hunger. *so* excited. </sarcasm>

congrats, af-h !

ashley force hood holding her Wally at the 55th US Nationals at Indianapolis

as the consummate family failure, i am not a drag racer. my grandpa, born in the back of a jalopy bound for california, dabbled in racing and brought my dad up with a love for racing. my dad raced anything with two or four wheels, and even spent a few years racing alongside former NHRA funny car champ gary scelzi.

me ? i grew up knowing that shirley muldowney was awesome, the first female in the NHRA, and that my dad once saw her smack the big daddy garlits across the face. i logged plenty of hours at the dirt track where my dad raced, watching my cousins. i learned almost everything i know about physics from nascar races. but the first time i heard a funny car open up and release those 8,000 horses under the hood, i cried. racing wasn’t for me.

i’ve changed my mind, of course. now i’d love to race but i’m a little old and out of the loop. my dad has more than once voiced his opinion on who should sponsor me: maybelline, advil, tampax–he says the tie-ins and promotions are endless. (i have to agree on one, maybelline would be great and i use a lot of their products !). when i come home from the grocery store with two boxes of diet dr pepper, my dad’s favourite remark is “DAMN, maybe you should get them to sponsor you !”.

i missed my chance to race, so now i’ll just live vicariously through ashley force hood. we’re only two years apart, my dad isn’t a 14-time funny car champ so uh… guess who got her own racing team ?

anyway, congrats to ashley and the force racing team ! i love watching the girls beat the boys at their own game !

it’s a good thing i don’t have a social life…

because i have:
school (more than full-time enrollment)
work (half time)
russian language meetup club (sporadically)
hockey class (tentative)

and the only way i’ll get everything done: i’m an insomniac. sometimes it helps.

gay marriage chart

via GOOD via vignesh.

we all know how i feel about this.